Vulcan Mind Meld

“It was possible to force a mind meld on an unwilling subject, but most Vulcans would be loath to do so, unless under the most dire circumstances. An exception may be the Vulcans of the mirror universe, whose ethical constraints, shaped by the savagery of their environment, were far different.”[i]

I have noticed with all children, including mine, there is an inherent Vulcan mind meld ability. The more children present, the more successful the meld. I can be doing a plethora of things for work and as soon as a child touches my arm, whines from the other room, or asks three different questions in five seconds flat, my mind is wiped clean of any known thought. I have instantly forgotten what I was doing, where the keys are, if a sock truly is required to go on one foot or the other (it doesn’t matter), if I ate breakfast, brushed my hair, or got out of my pajamas.

The Vulcan mind meld is a trademark move of the Vulcan species. It usually requires touch, but the some of the most skilled Vulcans can meld without touch and even from a distance (light years even). I have no doubt these “skilled” ones learned from children under the age of ten.  I can image the training was rigorous. Hours of sleepless nights challenging the Vulcan community to keep a logical thought while children all around melded their brains. Day after day the Vulcans were thwarted of emotion and eventually found that this was the key to successfully maintaining their own thoughts and obtaining others.

“It is made apparent that a touch-less meld is limited in effectiveness compared to physical melds. During more intense melds, the melder is sometimes shown using both hands.”[ii]

“Both hands.” Any experienced parent knows this “both hands” technique. The one where you have just put a phone to your ear, no child is present for miles, and as soon as another voice reaches the other end of the line you find hands “patiently” resting on your shoulder, knee, elbow beckoning you to give your full attention to fill their troughs with more cheerios. You have t-minus three seconds before you lose all ability to silence your conversation and your mind is completely melded, now absorbing their thoughts.

You are theirs and you know it. The only strategy to avoid complete take over is the mom snap – the one that strikes a child’s mind, threatens a spanking, and reminds them who owns said cheerios. Their bodies are frozen in time and they are teleported to their seats with your laser eyes (okay, maybe this was just my mother).

I find the Vulcan mind meld being held over me for spurts throughout the day and sometimes even entire days. Days where I cannot complete a full sentence and I frequently use bazaar hand gestures to communicate with other adults, “will you hand me that, you know…”and I make shapes and contortions of what a spatula does. Or I am at work only capable of comparing strategies to kids’ toys and rated G movies, “Yes! Like when Snoopy drove his house like an airplane…”

The meld is powerful. It is intense. It is not used sparingly with children under ten. Be warned. You might find yourself frustrated and you have no idea why, nor could you fully explain it to someone. You might find yourself rocking beside the water fountain after you have taught a class of third graders. Or realizing you have two different shoes on in the store. Vulcan mind meld! Or that you have made it through church with a sticker plastered to your butt and no one told you. Group Vulcan mind meld.

Live long and prosper…or go hide in a closet…you have t-minus three seconds before they will find you. Vulcan mind meld![iii]